Worthy to be Fed

We drop in to what's often called the epilogue of John's gospel today. The last chapter that addresses what's to happen now that Jesus has been raised from the dead and the disciples have seen him. It seems that we encounter the disciples in a deeply confused, disenchanted state. Everything has changed, but so much seems stuck in place, and what is to happen next?

The disciples have seen the empty tomb and encountered the risen Jesus. Thomas has been invited to touch the body of Christ, to see for himself that the wounds are real. These miracles are more than anything they might have expected, even when they first heard Jesus' prophecies about what was to come, but there is an unsettled atmosphere. There is too much unresolved and it's making at least some of the disciples anxious.

They have seen the risen Jesus and that is surely wonderful. But. One of their own betrayed him. Peter denied knowing him when questioned. Most of them fled and didn't even see the crucifixion, prioritizing their own safety over their Lord's fate. Rome remains in power in Judea. The oft-referenced kingdom of God does not appear to have burst on to the scene in the way they had hoped. Directionless and searching, they do what we all do when we feel lost: Return to something familiar. Peter plans a nighttime fishing trip and six of his friends show up to help.

After working all night, the seven men have caught nothing. Is it bad luck? Is it fishing in the wrong spot? Is it a sign from God that they can't go back to their previous lives, having seen and done all that they have in these last years? Is it a curse from God for their failure to recognize and stop Judas, for their denials and cowardice? Disappointed and disenchanted once again, they head back to the shore as the sun is rising.

Waiting for them on the shoreline is Jesus, though nobody recognizes him at first. He observes that they have no fish and suggests they go back out and try again. This time, they pull in more fish than the nets should realistically hold. It is no surprise that when the men were working by themselves, it was to no avail. When they relented their independence and accepted God's help, suddenly there was nearly more to manage than they were able.

The beloved disciple, likely John, the author of this gospel, identifies Jesus first, saying to Peter, "It is the Lord!" Peter, who is naked, clothes himself and jumps into the sea. We are not told why Peter does this, but the similarity to the story of Adam and Eve is too great to avoid.

Adam and Eve have eaten of the forbidden fruit and they hear God walking through the Garden of Eden in the evening. They hide from God, hoping to avoid an accounting for their transgression. Of course, God finds them and is concerned, both that they would hide themselves and that they have fashioned clothing. "Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11) Their desire to cover themselves and hide reveals all of the guilt that they carry.

Here, at sunrise instead of the evening, on a lake instead of in a garden, when Peter is confronted with the risen Lord and a sign of his abundant love, Peter, too, covers himself and hides beneath the water. Peter's guilt at denying Jesus is doubtless a crushing weight on him. Peter sought to escape into a familiar routine by going fishing, only to be interrupted by the very man he hoped to avoid. Compounding the guilt and sorrow, Jesus is not only present, but working miracles to help his friends in their efforts. Peter cannot bear to be seen by his Lord.

Peter cannot swim forever and the others have taken the boat and the miraculous catch ashore. He eventually makes his way to the gathering and sees a charcoal fire where fish is being cooked and there is bread to eat. A good fisherman's breakfast. Peter, in wet clothing and surely cold, would have stood close to the fire to warm himself. Probably praying that Jesus would be occupied with the six others and not prompt a conversation with him. How easy it would be if Jesus pretended not to know him. Just as Peter had pretended not to know Jesus the last time he stood warming himself by a charcoal fire.

Jesus shares his bread and fish with the disciples. None of them ask who he is because they have all realized that this is the risen Lord in their midst. Peter, surely, had never experienced such an anxious breakfast before. Waiting for the moment when Jesus would finally speak to him and surely would ask about Peter's denial. All of the guilt, shame, and worry that Peter has been living with are front and centre in his mind, weighing down his heart.

Jesus asks Peter three times, "Do you love me?" And three times, Peter answers that he does. This question is painful for Peter to hear. He is sure that it is leading to the question that he does not want to answer, "Then why did you deny me?" But the question never comes. Each time that Peter says he loves Jesus, Jesus responds by asking Peter to feed his sheep. Not only is there no indicting question, with each confession of love, Jesus entrusts Peter with an important task.

At the last confession, Jesus prophesies, this time about the how Peter will die. It will be a death not of his choosing, but at the will of others. This is not the punishment that it may first seem to be. Peter's death, also a crucifixion, will glorify God. Peter is so loved by Jesus that, not only is he trusted as a shepherd to live as Jesus did, but will die as Jesus did. For a Christian who seeks a Christlike life, what greater honour exists?

Of course, even after a threefold confession of love to undo his threefold denial, Peter lives with guilt. When his own day of crucifixion comes, Peter will insist on being crucified upside down. He does not believe himself worthy of being crucified in the same way as Jesus, even after a lifetime as the church in Rome's first bishop.

Jesus does not send Peter in search of instant conversions. After asking him to feed his flock, there is no description of Peter immediately rushing off and baptizing hundreds. Peter is going to feed the sheep. He is going to take the time to establish and build long relationships based on care and love.

This Christian life is one in which we are nurtured and where our formation into Christly figures is a slow, gradual one. This is a process that requires time and care. It is also one where we must remember always to look for God's action. Like growing a garden, we might plant and water the seeds, but it is God's infinite creativity that causes the shoots to push up through the earth.

Of course, we will not always manage this. We, humans, are inclined to think that we can be the masters of our own destinies. That we can cause whatever we wish to be true. We set off on our own way, like stray sheep, leaving God behind and are surprised when we get into trouble, suddenly looking around for the shepherd who will save us.

We know this will happen. It is why we ask, at every baptism, "Will you persevere in resisting evil and, whenever you fall into sin, repent and return to the Lord?" It is not "if you fall into sin" but "whenever". We know that this will happen and, of course, the only fitting answer is "I will, with God's help."

Peter's story in today's gospel passage is one full of good news for you and me. Even if we find ourselves denying God outright, there is still love and grace for us. No matter how ashamed we are, no matter how much we wish to hide in the garden and cover ourselves from sight, God knows the beauty of our hearts and responds in love. We can sin, but we can never be less than good and beautiful, we are always able to repent, and we are always worthy of forgiveness, because that is the way our God made us, it is for this that God redeems us, and it is the way God trusts us to be. Worthy to feed God's sheep, even as we are fed.